Stupid People, Please Stay Away

By now I have (almost) accepted the apparently universal rule that people feel it is their duty to say something, anything, to all pregnant women with whom they come in contact. Since another universal rule states that off-the-cuff comments, from anyone, tend to be stupid, most comments directed toward pregnant women are really very ridiculous indeed.

Believe me, I've heard them all! I am a person who looks very pregnant from the beginning, and that fact, combined with my team of roving toddlers, means that stupid people everywhere seem to gravitate toward me and allow themselves to speak the first words that occur to their tiny minds. As Bill Bryson said in his excellent book A Walk in the Woods, "I have long known that it is part of God's plan for me to spend a little time with each of the most stupid people on earth." Amen.

Here's a brief sampling. Some you've heard before:

"Oh, boy, you've got your hands full!"
"They know what causes that now, ya know!"
"Oooo, you've been a naughty girl." (From a man. Seriously.)
"How many do you have in there?" or "Twins, right?"
"Wow, how many days overdue are you?"

Ad infinitum. Ad nauseam.

I am not yet able to let these comments just roll off of me, for a few reasons: a) I don't naturally let any stupid comment roll off of me, and that even applies for stupid things I myself say to others--I tend to agonize about my own stupidity; b) I think everyone should be held accountable for his or her own stupidity; c) I don't think stupid people should breed, so something inside of me dies every time it's apparent my views on this subject are not being heeded; and d) OF COURSE I REALIZE THAT I AM VERY PREGNANT AND ALSO IN POSSESSION OF OTHER SMALL CHILDREN, YOU MORONS, WHY MUST YOU MENTION THIS TO ME? HOW IS THIS USEFUL? DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE TAKING UP PRECIOUS OXYGEN TO SUBMIT YOUR RIDICULOUS QUIPS THAT ARE NEITHER INTELLIGENT NOR ORIGINAL?

I feel very deeply on this subject.

But! For the amount of stupid "ZOMG-you're-so-BIIIIG" comments I receive, I also receive a not-quite-equal-but-not-quite-easy-to-ignore amount of comments along the lines of, "You're so tiny! What a cute little belly! It's like a tiny basketball!"

And guys. I am left flummoxed. I mean, I feel huge. Of course I feel huge; I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant, and I have looked pregnant from nearly Day One. I can't breathe. I can't pee. I can't bend over and put on my socks. I can't get up from a sitting position without either lots of pep talking and huffing and puffing or sympathetic outside assistance. None of my maternity shirts adequately covers my stomach. My bellybutton has been completely inside-out for months. So I've grown to expect the first type of comment. But this second type? The "ZOMG-you're-so-TEEEEENY" comment? I just don't know about that one.

I broached this subject with The Professor, and he presented an interesting theory. He said, "Maybe the difference is simply people first seeing you from the front versus people first seeing you from the side." Interesting.

So! I decided to take some pictures to test this. Please first realize that it is hard for me to take pictures of myself, and also that I do not possess a mirror that extends below my waist. (Now if you ever see me outside of the house without my pants on, you will understand why!) But I think I may have captured photographic proof of the validity of The Professor's theory.

First, from the front:

And then from the side:

Ohhh. Okay.

Please be aware that this does not excuse everyone from stupid comments.