The Do's and Don'ts of Encountering Twins

Y'all. You can run into some really very interesting people at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Am I the only one to notice this phenomenon? I am telling you, the employees and the patrons both tend to tiptoe the line between "Normal and Socially Acceptable" and "Weirdo-Weird Crazy Awkward Pants."

Honestly. The Professor says it's because a lot of crazy crafter ladies go there, and I suppose that might be true. But I like to think I'm fairly well-adjusted, and I tend to label myself a crazy crafter lady, at least sometimes. I wonder if it isn't because Jo-Ann's is just slightly less ghetto than Wal-Mart, but not quite up to par with Hobby Lobby; therefore, the adjusted and the freakish alike tend to commingle naturally, if not a little jarringly.

I went yesterday and encountered, in one short visit, Strange 40-something Man Who Unbuttons His Shirt Nearly to His Waist, Older Employee Who Mumbles and Looks Bewildered By the Simplest Questions (ie, Question: "Do you carry cotton t-shirt material?" Answer: blank stare, unintelligible mumble), Young Blonde Female Employee Who Laughs Giddily at Anything Anyone Says, Fluttery and Nervous Manager Who Should Wear Reading Glasses But Doesn't, and Awkward Customer Who Wants to Use Two Coupons at Once, Insists That She Has Been Allowed to Use Two at Once Before Despite the Store's One-Coupon-Per-Customer Policy, and Then Proceeds to Storm Out Yelling "You've lost my business forever!" When Fluttery Manager Concedes Defeat and Kindly Offers to Indeed Redeem Both Coupons at Once.

I tell you, it's like a zoo.

Anyway (that was a long intro), by far our most awkward experience involved a grandmotherly-type woman who was quite taken, and I mean extremely taken, with B and J. Primarily she was taken with the boys as a set, as in, OH MY GOODNESS TWINS, I LOVE TWINS.

People stopping us and asking inane twin-related questions is by no means a new experience for us. If you're the mother or father of multiples, you've heard it all. You have your pat answers, your fixed smile, and your polite but firm directives if interested parties get too aggressive. (Read: Try to touch your preemie, straight-from-the-NICU babies just because THEY ARE TWINS, FOR THE LOVE, THEY ARE TWINS AND I LOVE TWINS.)

(Note: Whenever people say they love twins, I just want to give them a puzzled look, because what does that mean? You love the novelty? You love the miracle? You love sets of things? What does that mean? Twins are simply two siblings. Do you react the same way when you see "normal" sibling sets? I really need to figure out this statement, because any way I look at it, it just sounds dumb.)

This lady, as well-meaning as she might have been, was strange, aggressive, and a little scary, at least for J, who scares very easily, God bless him. She thought she was being nice and relational, but she really came across as ignorant, irritating, and demeaning. While I was never outright angry with the woman, I was frustrated with her, and I dashed out of the fabric store, all three kids in tow, as quickly as I could so as to avoid more strange conversation with her.

So now I know that you non-multiple types are just dying (oh, yes, dying) to know a) what this woman did or said to scare J and irritate me, and b) what you should never say to or ask parents of multiples. I'm so happy to oblige! Here, I'll address all your desires in my favorite form, a list, this one involving the do's and don'ts of twins. (And anytime I say "twins," please feel free to insert "triplets" or "sextuplets" or any other multiples group, as this list applies universally to all types of multiples.)

The Do's and Don'ts of Encountering Twins

Do not make any of these inane statements: 

• "Ooo, double trouble!"
• "Oh, you must have your hands full!" (or, "You're a busy lady!" or anything along these lines.)
• "Do they act the same? I mean, are they different at all? What I mean is, are their personalities different, or are they exactly alike?" THEY ARE SEPARATE PEOPLE, FOR THE LOVE.
• "Can you tell them apart?" (No, I am simply their mother. You cannot expect me to be able to tell them apart, that is simply asking too much.)
• "How do you tell them apart?" (Really? You want me to go into detail about the intricacies of my children's personalities and the minute differences in their facial expressions and body structures, just in passing? I don't mind if you're a close friend, but I just met you here in line at McDonald's. I don't really see our relationship going much further.)
• "Oh, I love twins."

Do not touch either of them without the express permission of their parents. Really, this goes for any child, whether or not said child is a multiple. I know you may think they are super cute just because they look alike, but that doesn't give you some special right to caress their sweet legs. More than likely they are terrified of you. More than likely J has already peed his pants.

Do tell the parent if you have hands-on, personal experience with twins that was both positive and uplifting. Going on and on about your grandkids does tend to get boring after a bit, but a brief, optimistic explanation of how you can relate and how you know that said parent will truly survive is a refreshing bit of encouragement.

Do feel free to ask if they are identical or fraternal, but only if you really know what this means and only if you agree to not argue with the parents' assessment of their own children's origins. I cannot tell you how many times people have argued with me on this, insisting, "Oh, but they look identical! Are you really sure they are fraternal?" without realizing that looks have nothing to do with anything. Also the sort of people who say this sort of thing usually do not realize that they are idiots.

(Side note: I like hearing from parents of boy-girl twin sets who get the, "Are they identical or fraternal?" question. Think about it...)

Do not PLEASE DO NOT attempt to label them. I am their mother. I carried them, birthed them, nursed them, and have cared for them day in and day out for over two years, and I do my absolute best to never label them, simply because that is plain wrong. Twins have it hard enough as it is with ignorant people assuming they are "the same" or, strangely conversely, "exactly the opposite," so why make it any harder by pegging them? Just let them be. They are kids, just like any singleton (Read: not a multiple.)

(Okay, another side note. Here's what really bothered me about Strangely Annoying Jo-Ann Fabrics Grandmotherly-Type Lady: She told me several times that she has twin grandsons of her own, and each time she mentioned them she had to label them "the highly-functioning autistic one" and "the normal one." Really. That's what she said. More than once. And then she criticized me for dressing each of my boys in plain white t-shirts and different-colored shorts, saying, "My daughter never dresses them the same because they are individuals." Fine. Please notice that my boys are not actually dressed identically, and then leave me alone and stop labeling your grandchildren.)

Do not ask extremely personal questions like, "Did you use in vitro?" or "Are they natural/spontaneous twins?" Who cares? What does it matter? Are they somehow less precious if I did or did not use medical help to conceive? Also included in the do not ask category would be, "Did you have a caesarean section or did you deliver vaginally?" One word: Ew.

I could, conceivably, go on like this at length, because I get prickly and mean and snide when silly people make silly statements about my precious boys. But I'll wind up with just one more in an attempt to keep my dignity and not incite mass rioting.

Do not, in your worshipful adoration of my darling boys, overlook my darling little girl. No, she is not the third in a trio. She, just like each of her brothers, is an individual person, and she is fantastic.

And yes, that was just an awkward attempt to segue into recent pictures of C. In close, I present to you my baby girl, the drool machine.

The drool machine with the muddiest, dirtiest bottom in town.

I hope I haven't gotten up anyone's dander. If anything, I hope I've given all non-twin types out there a chance to pause, reflect, and perhaps change, if even minutely, how you perceive, approach, and interact with multiples. Twins are simply two individuals who, by circumstances beyond their control, ended up together, for better or worse, and who must always work to be seen as individual people instead of as a unit of exactly identical clones.

In short: Don't touch my children, okay?