Things My Mom Taught Me, Consciously or Otherwise

• Towels should be washed every two days.
• Jesus loves you. (perhaps this should have been listed first, but the towel thing is just so hard to ignore)
• It's a good price when Coke works out to $1 or less a six-pack and Charmin is $.25 a roll.
• The phrases "good grief," "shoot," and "give me a break" are not cussing and can be used liberally, especially when referring to the stupid actions of others, especially while driving.
• A house should be cleaned once a week, including thorough dusting, vacuuming, and mopping
• Fractions and percentages are important, every-day mathematical applications. Use them.
• Also, giving money in order to get even, penny-free change is an art form. (For instance, when the total is $17.27, make sure you give 2 pennies so that the change is an even amount.)
• Some people are idiots. This is the truth, though we should try our best to treat them with grace.
• The biggest idiots out there are the ones who belittle and abuse children. They deserve no better than what they do to their precious kids.
• Also, some people just need a slap up the side of the head. They would probably be a lot better off if their mamas had done this a long time ago.
• Give at least ten percent of your income to the church.
• Flossing is very important. Good oral hygiene is next to godliness.
• Your home is your palette, your domain, your masterpiece. Keep it presentable and inviting. Your husband and your house guests will be impressed.
• Decorate in groupings of three. A little greenery goes a long way.
• Children are best raised by their mothers.
• It's okay to spank your children.
• It's also okay to be very affectionate with your children. A little kissin' never hurt anyone.
• Cats are good souls.
• Plan meals and grocery shop with a list. Even if it's your least favorite job, it's an important one that will save your family money and stress.
• The doctrine of holiness is of utmost importance. Apply it to your daily life. You can live free of the shackles of sin.
• Water boils faster if a lid is on the pot.
• Folding a fitted sheet is an art form. Take pride in doing it well.
• Love on your husband. He needs it.
• He also needs your respect. Even if you are a vocal, independent, self-possessed woman (ahem...), he is the head of the household and his word is final. You don't have to agree, but you must acquiesce to his judgment. It's just how it should be.
• You can make his life miserable for a little while if he goes against you. That's okay, too.
• Men have no business decorating.
• Men have no business vocalizing opinions on decorating.
• It's all about the accessories.
• It's all about keeping it simple, whether it be your hairstyle, your meal, or your furniture flow.
• College is a privilege. You best work your bottom off if you want it paid for.
• Cards should be from Hallmark, but a few exceptions are okay, as long as they are the dorkiest, most irreverent, laughable cards available.
• These words are okay: "fart," "butt," "pee," and "poop."
• These words are not okay: "gosh," "darn," "dang," "butthead," "stupid," "shut up," any universally-recognized swear words, and using the Lord's name in vain.
• Singing harmony is a wonderful thing. Embrace your alto (or tenor...) range.
• You are a beautiful, intelligent, unique woman of God. Never forget that.

There are a million other little lessons I know I'm not mentioning. I just wanted to give you a sampling of the woman who shaped me so deftly.

I love you, Mom. Thanks for letting me steal your six-quart CrockPot yesterday. We'll work out a ransom agreement later.