Steve's Away Messages

My husband is a really funny guy. Seriously, he has a fantastic sense of humor characterized by quick wit, sarcasm, and a healthy dose of absurdity. "Random" doesn't even begin to describe him. Couple this with his astounding intelligence, and you have a winner, folks.

So suffice to say, his away messages were always really funny. You remember the all-important IM away messages, don't you? Back in the first couple years of college, before the mainstream influence of cell phones, when you actually used the college-issued phone in your dorm room, AOL's instant messaging service was an indispensable means of communication. You could quickly poll friends as to the best time to meet at the dining hall, stalk your current crush (as it is still Monday, I most certainly did not do this), or wow everyone with your away message skills. As Stephen tends to be someone who shies from much talking in any form, he chose the latter use for IM. I remember reading his various away messages when we were first dating and feeling a) completely out-of-the-loop a lot of the time because of the obscurity of some of his quotes and references, b) jealous if another girl were quoted for his away message, even if this other girl was a beloved mutual friend, or c) elated if I were the girl quoted.

It was a dangerous game, my friends.

And so, without much further ado, I present to you some of my personal favorite away messages of Stephen's, taken from the archives. Some feature quotes by friends (taken, of course, completely out of context, which makes them all the funnier), some are Jack Handy Deep Thoughts, but most are original creations out my husband's vast sense of humor.

Steve's Away Messages

"If a girl ever tells you she loves you, the best thing to do is slap her on the butt and say, 'Good game.'"

-James

On the way back home to Michigan, I spotted a dead kangaroo on the side of the road. As the car got closer it turned out to be just a deer. What a stupid, boring trip.

"Any time I see something screech across the room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?"

-Jack Handy

I'd like to believe everything I do is charged with grace and every word I say loaded with significance, even when I get my foot caught in the door, trip up the stairs, or give that seven year-old in the planetarium a blank stare when he asks me how many miles to Mercury.

"I call it 'No-Pants Wonderday,' but it turns out the police just call it Thursday. Go figure."

-Robb

"When Steve thinks of patriotism, he thinks of bullets and spaceships."

-Eric (an excellent observation, I might add)

Some people are afraid of failure, but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that I'll fail while somehow catching myself on fire and getting dropped in acid.

Troy: "Nothing good came out of the 80s."

Steve: "Uh, we did."

Jason: "Yeah, but we weren't mainstream then."

I hope this isn't all a big joke, because I don't get it. But either way, I'm going to laugh loudly at inappropriate times.

It is possible sarcasm and apathy are simply defense mechanisms, but it's more possible that I don't care.

And so I ask you: if you're in the shower and your friend throws your soap in the urinal, is that provocation to pee on his leg? I would have to say, no, it definitely is not, but I think I would be in the minority.

"English is a much more better language."

-Jordan S.

What if, instead of a university president, we had a High Lord? And what if, instead of going to classes, we pillaged and terrorized the surrounding countryside? What then?

"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward."

-Jack Handy

If rain today were bullets, we'd all be dead. That is, unless umbrellas were high-impact, ballistic shields of some sort.

Don't IM me unless you have something incredibly exciting to say. And don't make something up like "my pants are on fire" just because you want to IM me. (But if your pants really are on fire, you can IM me because that's exciting.)

If anyone ever tells you that my away messages don't bring a bit of sunshine to their day, kick them in the shins, because they're a worthless, rotten liar.