Not Me! Monday

Raechel and I have decided to trade off each week on our MckMama-inspired confessional posts, as we both agreed we have trouble being funny every week... even though you'd think that, knowing us and our kids, we'd have plenty of fodder to post this kind of stuff say, oh, three times a day. Anyway, I've had lots of time to not cut corners.

• I did not grab the bull by the horns and accrue all sorts of potty training supplies one day last week, determined to force my 20 month-old sons out of their diapers, only to immediately give up before even starting after realizing I had failed to buy training pants. As I told Raechel, I am not so in love with my furniture that I am unwilling to let little boys only clad in Transformers briefs romp all over them, potentially soiling my beloved couch.

• I am not pushing potty training simply because I am sick and tired of the small fortune we spend in diapers each month.

• That small fortune does not hover somewhere around/above $200.

• My sister the goddess and I were not insanely beside ourselves with excitement at the prospect of seeing the movie adaptation of our favorite vampire love saga (book 1 of 4, mind you) on its opening day.

• We most certainly did not look like this both before and after viewing said movie:

Really, we function normally in society.

I promise.

• We do not read (nay, devour) books about wizards, time-traveling, talking animals, vampires, space (the final frontier), or anything else falling under the genres of fantasy or science fiction.

• This was not the first sister date we had gone on in months. I was not wracked with guilt over leaving all three of my children with my dear, sweet, competent husband for over two hours. This guilt was not compounded by the fact that my daughter refuses to take a bottle and therefore chooses to cry herself into a frenzy and starve if I am not present.

• We did not arrive home from the movie (definitely not still discussing its pros and cons and similarities to the book, as well as the hotness of the main male lead) to find Charlotte collapsed in a sniffling heap across her daddy's lap:

• I did not hold back tears at such a pathetic sight and then declare I would never leave her again. That would be insanity personified.

• I did not risk the health and mental well-being of my family by putting my sons in the church nursery for a whole TWO HOURS so that I could attend my weekly moms' Bible study.

• Four of the five members of my family are not sick now, thanks to my risky behavior.

• This is not the third time in a month our family has been sick. We do not have the immune systems of golf balls.

• I did not leave two chicken breasts sitting in a bowl full of cold water on the counter OVERNIGHT simply because I have the brain (and apparently the immune system) of a golf ball. I did not realize this oversight as I was showering yesterday morning and run halfway out of the shower, ready to rescue the chicken, before realizing that really, five more minutes weren't going to do much more to that chicken and shoot, I was naked, which definitely wasn't going to help the situation.

• I did not sniff the chicken, shrug, and then go ahead and cook it anyway because doggone it, who has time to let two new chicken breasts thaw? I did not lift up a hasty prayer as I was cooking the chicken. I did not tell anyone else in my family about this besides my husband, even though they all gladly ate up the chicken and cous-cous dish I prepared. (For the record, no one has fallen ill yet.)

• My mom does not read this blog. She also did not eat that chicken last night.

• I did not leave a load of laundry sitting in the dryer for two days before getting it folded. I do not have a load of whites sitting in the dryer as I type this. I am not unsure as to just how long that load has been down there, wrinkling beyond recognition.

• I am not completely in love with my little baby girl and her soft, inquisitive face:

• I do not croon ridiculously when I am speaking to Charlotte. I do not call her "Shaw-wit" and gloat to anyone in the general vicinity when she deigns to grant me a smile.

• I do not find myself growing more and more addicted to blogging, reading other blogs, critiquing other blogs, and researching how to better my blog. That would be time-consuming. I have a life.

• I am not some sort of country-mouse-come-to-town every time I step foot in Ultra Foods. I do not take an extraordinarily long time to shop there because of THE SELECTION, oh, THE SELECTION. I do not stand in the produce section and marvel at the many exotic fruits and vegetables to be had, forcing others to line up behind me and just generally throwing off the mojo that is Shopping Quickly and Efficiently at Ultra Foods. Last time I was marveling at the produce, I did not buy two mangoes, two red pears, and three avocados just because I could. I do not deviate from my strict grocery list.

• By the way, I do not normally shop for groceries at Aldi.

• And those mangoes? The boys did not spit them on the ground.

I hope you enjoyed Not Me! Monday, and I hope you go check out the inspiration here.