- I did not fall asleep for over two hours on Saturday, just a mere three hours after waking up that morning. I did not ONLY wake up from that nap because I was ravenously hungry. I would not have continued to sleep if my stomach hadn't growled. After eating, I did not then drift off again on the couch.
- I am not inexplicably hungry all of the time. I did not reach the point of desperation (juxtaposed with the point of no-groceries-in-the-house) that led me to eat peanut butter off of a spoon and the last dribbles of milk.
- I did not steal said milk from my babies' sippy cups.
- I did not come up with a list of harmless "your baby's not pretty but here's another compliment to sidestep that issue" comments with my husband. (Example: "Oh, isn't he/she sweet!") I do not have trouble finding all babies cute, even though I most certainly do believe all babies are precious gifts worthy of our utmost attention and care.
- I did not use the date money my in-laws treated us with to buy a book, a Christmas CD, and a new calendar at the book store. My husband and I did not eat as cheaply as possible on our date in order to have leftover cash to spend on books for ourselves.
- I did not download seven Christmas albums onto my iPod. I am not one of those pathetic people who starts listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
- I did not pout when my husband refused to visit Hobby Lobby with me this week. I am not the slightest bit irritated that I am probably the only person in the county who has yet to visit it since its opening a week ago.
- I did not ignore the fact that my son's hugely wet diaper had soaked through to the crotch of his onesie. I did not justify ignoring his wet crotch by maintaining it would dry out by the time he needed to go down for his nap.
- I did not forget about the rotten meat I had thrown in the trash and then wander around all morning, wondering where that terrible smell was coming from.
- I did not clumsily break an ancient light bulb in my sons' room. It did not shatter into a million pieces and cover practically every surface of their room in a thin coating of glass. I did not yell at our vacuum cleaner because it refused to pick up said shards of glass. I did not then finally give up on picking up the glass by hand and simply offer a prayer that God would protect my sons' bare feet from cuts.
- I did not grumble at the poor quality of light shed by the new CFL replacement bulb in their bedroom. I do not grumble at energy-saving measures. I do not notice an irritatingly huge difference in light quality between incandescent and CFL bulbs.
- I did not read through the final book in my vampire love saga in record time. I am not experiencing symptoms of withdrawal that I try to fill by visiting fansites run by people (including moms!) as obsessed as I am. I am not ridiculously excited about the Twilight movie coming out in less than two weeks.
- My sister and I are not going to go see that movie together. I am not trying to convince her that we need to make book-relevant t-shirts to wear to the movie. We are not adolescents.
- I am not hopelessly in love with the male protagonist in Twilight. That would be weird. He is a vampire. He is fictional.
- I was not the slightest bit glad that my husband was the one having to deal with our temper tantrum-prone son during a very long Orthodox baptism. As I have said before, I do not using nursing the baby to get out of undesirable tasks.
- I did not burst out laughing when my toddler experimentally bit his father's finger this weekend. By laughing, I did not undermine my husband's attempts to reprimand him.
- Finally, I did not fail to double-check my appearance in the mirror before an outing this week. I did not later realize, after being out in public, that my hair was tufty, I had something in my nose, and the baby had spit up on my shoulder. I am not a pathetic housewife!
I hope you have enjoyed a few laughs at my expense. Believe me, I deserve to be laughed at after what I do to survive a typical week at our house.
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