A Loss and a Gain

If all goes according to our brilliant plan (I know that as soon as I say that, God will then immediately reveal His brilliant plan, which often doesn't exactly correspond with mine), then tonight is the last night that I am Mama to "just" Jack and Baylor. I am so achingly ready to meet my little baby girl and to be her mama, too, but at the same time I am mourning the loss of the boys having me all to themselves. It's very bittersweet. I am in no way regretting our decision to have another baby so soon--this was another step in our brilliant plan, one step of which God seems to have approved--but still...

The boys have had me completely to themselves for their entire 17 months here on Earth, and now a squally, squirmy little squinty-eyed sister is going to steal the limelight for a little while. I am at least glad that, as twins, they have had to learn the concept of sharing from the very beginning, so I am not exactly having misgivings about their ability to do that. And I really don't care if they feel a little neglected, a little bit like the world revolves around them less and less. I'm firmly convinced that that is good for them. I'm guess I'm just grieving the loss of how it "has been" for so long.

Baylor and Jack were so tiny, so fragile when they arrived nearly two months ahead of schedule, and today it's hard for me to get the image of those breakable babies, struggling to learn how to breathe and eat, out of my mind. I love them with a strength that I didn't know I was capable of sustaining. I still don't think I am capable of sustaining that love by myself. Only through Jesus Christ and His infinite mercy, wisdom, and power, and with the steadfast support of my loving husband, can I even begin to try to be the best mother to them and their new sister.

On that sob-inducing note (I just burst into tears, incidentally), here are a few pictures of the boys and their parents from the last 17 months:

The first time I held Jack, several hours after he was born.

A Very Grumpy Baylor and his daddy.

Our family on the day of the boys' baptism.

Little baldies!